Saturday August 22, 2009
Reel-life love lessons
You can leave a cinema with a lot more than leftover popcorn when you pick an on-screen romance over spitting bullets and low-budget horror.
Tom Cruise and Renée Zellweger in Jerry Maguire. The movie: Jerry Maguire
The story: Dorothy Boyd (Renée Zellweger), a single mother, marries Jerry Maguire (Tom Cruise), only to discover that this man who had her at hello isn’t really in love with her.
Even though it isn’t an easy choice, Dorothy takes responsibility for ending the relationship before either of them wastes any more time together. And then, they really fall in love.
The case: Holding out for someone ideal and not settling for just anyone you can get.
“Dorothy’s decision to cut off from the relationship goes against the idea that a woman with a kid attached can’t afford to be too choosy, and that they should just be thankful that a man is even interested,” says Yvonne Lee, a registered counsellor.
“It’s a bit like the beautiful recliner in my bedroom,” says Lim Yoke Sim, 31, an entrepreneur.
“I left the spot empty for years because I couldn’t find what I was looking for. Then, there it was, the right shade of blue. Why wouldn’t I give something as important as a relationship the same consideration?
“It’s not that I don’t want to settle down, but simply that I don’t want to settle for just anyone. Being alone and lonely doesn’t scare me as much as being stuck with the wrong guy.”
The movie: A Lot Like Love
The story: Oliver (Ashton Kutcher) and Emily (Amanda Peet) join the mile-high club on a flight to New York. Fate brings them together several times over the next seven years. Each time they meet, they toy with the idea of becoming an item before parting ways.
Ashton Kutcher and Amanda Peet in A Lot Like Love. The case: Becoming “friends with benefits”.
“After tasting heartache, people like Oliver and Emily are drawn towards a purely physical relationship. An arrangement without the trappings of an actual relationship — no clinginess, no drama and no intention of falling in love,” says Lee Wee Min, executive director of Focus on Family Malaysia.
“Without any commitment, you won’t fall victim to a break-up,” Lee says, but points out that there is a setback in the buddy system.
“You can expect loyalty from a steady partner, but with a ‘benefit friend’, there is no stopping either from dating other people,” Lee adds.
“One or the other might feel jealous and bitter when their ‘friend with benefits’ gets involved romantically with someone else. Feelings might get hurt, and you risk losing a friend.”
Thrashed emotions and friendships aren’t the only thing you’re putting on the line either.
“Whenever two people have sexual relations, there is a risk of sexually transmitted diseases,” he adds.
“If you know a person really well after being in an exclusive relationship, you’d probably be more at ease discussing sexual history, health status and the use of birth control and condoms to reduce the risk of STD and unwanted pregnancy.”
“I know of people who have no-strings-attached sex,” says Nor Diyana Hashim, 29, an auditor.
“But it’s not my thing. I feel, you should be in love and married instead of sleeping with someone you care little about.”
Above: Cynthia Nixon and David Eigenberg in Sex and the City. The movie: Sex and the City
The story: Steve (David Eigenberg) has a one-night stand and confesses all to Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). His excuse was that he was craving some sexual attention. Miranda calls off the relationship, moves into a new apartment and turns a deaf ear to his pleas to take him back.
The case: To forgive or ditch the cheater?
“I don’t condone infidelity, but there are people who are one-time offenders,” says Yvonne Lee, a registered counsellor.
“Sometimes it’s a stupid thing like getting intoxicated, making an irrational decision, realising what a horrible mistake it was and finding out that they don’t really want to be with anyone but their partner.”
And then there are those who are polygamous.
“They feel awful, but keep on having affairs. It’s a sad fact that for many people, once a cheater, always a cheater,” she adds.
So given the risk of history making a comeback, should you forgive a two-timer?
“A part of you probably wants to take him back, perhaps hoping he will reciprocate your forgiveness with extra attention and devotion. But before you do, read his character and look into yourself. What is his motivation for cheating?
“If you feel it is a reason that warrants a pardon, you may decide to forgive him. Is the relationship, the kids or money worth a lifetime of being cheated on? Is he too spineless to resist seduction? Can you trust that he won’t break your heart again? Can you let go of the resentment? It’s your call,” says Lee.
The movie: Shrek
The story: Shrek (voice of Mike Myers), a sensitive, witty, big, green ogre, unexpectedly falls in love with Princess Fiona (voice of Cameron Diaz), in a beauty-and-the-beast type of affair after rescuing her from a dragon-infested castle.
The case: True love being blind to superficial physicality
“Fairytales have conditioned us to hold out for the handsome Prince Charming and pretty Princess, but sometimes you’ve got to dig a little deeper,” says Lee.
“The trophy wife may be a bad person, but her vile side may be overshadowed by her looks, if that is her partner’s ultimate goal. Just as wanting a loving wife, who’s a mean cook could overshadow the fact that she doesn’t score very high in the looks department,” she explains.
“It may take blocking out a person’s imperfections and locking in to things that we consider more important. When you know what you want in a companion, flaws become irrelevant over the values we seek.”
The movie: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
The story: When their relationship falls apart, Clementine (Kate Winslet) goes to a clinic to have her history with Joel (Jim Carrey) deleted from her memory.
Frustrated by the idea of being in love with a woman who doesn’t remember their moments together, Joel undergoes the same procedure. Without realising they’ve dated in the past, the two meet again, getting a chance to start over on a fresh slate.
The case: Giving a failed relationship a second try “If you decide to terminate a relationship, you may have your reasons. But if you were dumped by your partner, he can leave you an emotional wreck,” says Yvonne Lee.
Now, what should you do if your ex (the dumper) wants you back?
Says Lee, it’s wise to take a breath, and examine the reasons your relationship fell apart.
“Calmly assess the reasons he left and the possible reasons he wants to come back. If all you can come up with is a long list of negatives, lick your wounds and move on.
“But, if your instinct tells you his intentions are genuine, or you think another try is really worth it, you have to ask yourself, has he changed, or does he still have issues? Is he back because he cares or because you’re convenient?” Lee cautions.
“Then, examine your own intentions. Why do you want him back? Does he truly mean something to you or is it because you’re afraid you’ll grow old alone? Are you willing to settle for just about anyone? Whatever you do, steer away from leaping back into a relationship that’s hardly worth it.”
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